im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
