Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
