I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
