the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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