I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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