She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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