I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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