I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
