She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
