I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
