I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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