I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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