He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
