the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I smell stomach acid.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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