Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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