I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
