I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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