I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
