The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
