Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
