You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
