I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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