the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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