I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
