My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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