I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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