i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
