I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
