My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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