roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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