You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
