the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
