I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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