I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
