I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
