dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
