i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
3 2 1 whiskey
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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