i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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