i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
