If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
