i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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