I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
