she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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