Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
