Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
kristin has been a bad kristin
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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