Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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