Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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