oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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