It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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