cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
