I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
