My liver just broke up with me...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
