That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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