you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
