Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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