hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
